If you’ve played more than one scramble in your life you already know these people. You may BE one of these people. I definitely have been at least one of these people before. No judgment here, we can all be clowns on the course. But every scramble seems to produce the same cast of characters. Here they are in all their glory.
1. Angry Angus
This guy is one bad chip away from a full mental meltdown. He’s snapped at least one club. He’s had a “conversation” with his ball that would make a sailor blush. He pounds his pitching wedge into the ground like he’s trying to dig to China. After a particularly ugly bunker shot he’ll stand there in complete silence for just long enough to make everyone uncomfortable, then smile and say “I’m good.” He is not good. He will never be good. But God love him, he shows up every week.
2. Pro Tour Pete
This man will spend four minutes reading a six-foot putt in a scramble. Where the stakes are a sleeve of Pro V1’s and a $25 gift card to Applebee’s. He crouches. He consults his notebook (he’ll never shows what’s in that stupid f%#@ing notebook). He walks to the other side of the green. He crouches again. The group behind you is now visibly aging. He finally pulls the trigger and shanks it three feet past the hole. Every time. Without fail. Bless his heart.
3. Wine Head Willy
By the third hole he’s got two beers on the cart and one in his hand. By the turn he’s your best friend and he cannot stop telling you about the eagle he made in 2019. By the 15th hole he is attempting a shot he has absolutely no business attempting and somehow making it while laughing his ass off. This man is the reason scrambles are fun. Buy him a drink at the 19th hole. He’s already bought everyone else one. Then ask him about that eagle one more time, he deserves that.
4. Harry the Heckler
Every group needs one and every group has one. He’s not mean. Not intentionally. He’s just constitutionally incapable of letting a bad shot go unremarked. “Was that your warmup?” “I’ve seen better swings on a playground.” “Next time let me hold your purse before you swing.” “Does your husband play too?” He is simultaneously the most annoying and most entertaining person on the course. You love him until YOUR game goes south, then you swear never to invite him again, but you always do.
5. Rule Book Ronnie
Sir. SIR. This is a scramble. There are no rules in a scramble. That’s the entire point of a scramble. And yet here he is, questioning whether your ball was properly marked, debating whether that mulligan was within the spirit of the format, and reminding everyone that technically you’re supposed to play from within one club length. In a scramble. That benefits a children’s charity. Foot wedges cause him actual physical discomfort. He’ll be back next year with a printed copy of the USGA rulebook.
The Bottom Line
Every scramble needs all five of these people. Without Angus there’s no drama. Without Harry there’s no comedy. Without Willie there’s no party. Without Pete there’s no one else to blame for why the outing takes 5 and a half hours. And without Ronnie…well, honestly without Ronnie everything would be fine. But he means well.
See you on the first tee. Be the guy, just not one of those guys.
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