Every golf group has a group text, and every golf group text has the same five people in it, regardless of what city you live in or what course you play. Here they are, in all their infamy.
1. The Ghost
This guy is in the chat. We think. He’s seen every message. He has never once responded. You’ll ask “who’s in for Saturday?” and get two thumbs-up, one “can’t make it,” and total silence from the Ghost. He shows up anyway, usually five minutes before tee time, acting like the entire logistics conversation simply didn’t happen. Nobody knows how he always finds out. Nobody has ever successfully reached him directly. He is less a person and more a rumor that occasionally plays golf.
2. The Over-Communicator
The opposite problem. This person responds to every single message, often with multiple messages, often about things nobody asked. “Weather looks good!” and “Anyone need balls, I have extras.” There will be updates about celebrities, cooking tips, sports trivia and pictures of the family pets. By the time Saturday actually arrives, there are 47 unread messages and Instagram has sent you 35 emails about new video links in your inbox. You appreciate the enthusiasm. You mute the chat by Thursday.
3. The Score Poster
Wins the round, posts the scorecard immediately, full breakdown, birdie highlighted in a different color. Loses the round, and the chat goes silent from him for three days. You will learn everything about his good rounds in real time. What he was wearing and how hard the wind was blowing that swing, not just that day, but for THAT SWING. You will learn about his bad rounds exactly never, unless someone else in the group snitches, which someone always eventually does. And it feels good.
4. The Logistics Guy
Somebody has to actually book the tee time, and it’s never the same person twice, except in your group, where it’s always the same guy. He sends the confirmation screenshot unprompted, whether he got a response about who’s in for Saturday or not. He reminds everyone twice. Then once more ther morning of. He has strong, specific opinions about whether 7:40 or 8:10 is the better slot and he will explain why at length. Your group would not function without him, and he will never let anyone forget it.
5. The Negotiator
Every group has someone trying to change the game, the stakes, the format, or the tee time approximately every single week. “What if we did a scramble instead?” “What if we bumped it to 9 AM?” “Let’s make it $10 a hole this week?” Nothing ever actually changes. The negotiation itself has become the point. He knows this. You know this. He negotiates anyway, out of what can only be described as deranged principle.
The Bottom Line
Every group chat needs all five, even when they drive you insane. Without the Ghost there’s no mystery. Without the Over-Communicator there’s not enough juice. Without the Score Poster there’s no bragging rights and thrill of victory. Without the Logistics Guy there’s no actual golf being played. And without the Negotiator, well honestly, without the Negotiator things would probably run a lot smoother, but where’s the fun in that?
See you in the group chat. At least until Thursday.
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